(By Kim Cooper Author of "Back from the Looking Glass")
What is narcissism?
It is the part of us that smiles for the camera and enjoys both the
spotlight and being around attractive people, and most would agree
that these are positive things. The word narcissism in recent history
has however seen it's meaning change to describe someone with
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) which is a very different
story. These days when someone is described as a narcissist (or we
hear talk of narcissism) it usually describes someone who displays the
symptoms of this personality disorder which include verbal abuse,
aggression and defensiveness and a tendency to manipulate and rely on
(or 'use') others while being charming or 'playing for the crowd'.
A different person when the crowd has gone home
Individuals with symptoms of NPD are first and foremost two-faced; the
subject being charming and competitive in public while critical, rude,
arrogant, sarcastic and aggressive in private; usually to the people
who are closest to them and who give them the most love and care.
This person will pretend to operate from high standards, but in
reality will be low in perfectionism, resulting in them being flakey,
hypocritical or even an outright phoney or fake. They will not follow
through on promises and will spend most of their energy and time
seeking people who will adore them or who they can vent their
aggression on, either directly by provoking fights or else by
gossiping nastily about people behind their back.
Seduce and abandon
Whether sex is consummated or not there is often a pattern of seducing
and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can attract as their
'fans'. Their lack of empathy and self interest, mixed with a
particular cunning charm and ability to manipulate others makes them
highly abusive to live with. They will think nothing of exploiting
their partner financially, sexually or otherwise, while blaming their
own weaknesses and shortcomings on this very same person; while at the
same time hindering any attempt their partner may make to regain their
sense of strength or self worth and get back on their feet or get on
with their own life or get away. Narcissism (or more accurately NPD)
is a disorder and not a disease. There is no blood test for narcissism
and three different professionals may diagnose the same person in
three different ways. Narcissism describes a pattern of behaviour in
an individual.
Dalam hal pergaulan, yang sering dilakukan adalah Merayu dan
meninggalkan, kekasih, teman atau orang yang menjadi 'fans' mereka.
Kurangnya rasa empati diri, dicampur dengan pesona licik tertentu dan
kemampuan untuk memanipulasi orang lain membuat mereka sangat kasar
untuk tinggal bersama. Mereka akan berpikir apapun untuk dapat
mengeksploitasi pasangan mereka secara finansial, seksual dengan
menyalahkan kelemahan dan kekurangan pasangan itu sendiri, sedangkan
pada saat yang sama menghalangi setiap upaya pasangan mereka untuk
mendapatkan kembali apa-apa yang telah dikuasainya, atau pergi
meninggalkannya Narsisisme (atau lebih akurat NPD) adalah gangguan dan
bukan penyakit. Tidak ada tes darah untuk narsisme dan tiga
profesional yang berbeda dapat mendiagnosa orang yang sama dalam tiga
cara yang berbeda. Narsisisme menjelaskan pola perilaku dalam
individu.
Don't demonise
Most importantly a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular
way and should not be treated like a monster or worse as an 'it'
rather than a person. As unfair and damaging as a relationship with
this type of person can be, we believe that it is more useful (and
healthy) to use straightforward descriptive words about the bad
behaviour, rather than relying on this term generally to describe a
person. It would be more correct and useful in most situations for
instance to say "My partner lied to me" rather than "my N lied to me".
As common as the suggestion is that you must run or "get away" from
this type of person, we believe it important for family members of
someone with this disorder to learn to stand up for themselves and
hold their ground. This response can be highly beneficial for the
Narcissistic person as well but should not be tried without the help
of a solid support network and we have a lot of online material
available to help with this.
A selfish 'child'
A narcissist is someone who never grew out of being a selfish child.
They find it hard to share and even harder to share the limelight,
always wanting to be the focus of attention. They invent stories to
get what they want and pretend they are more important than they are
and blame others for their own wrong doings. Narcissism flourishes in
those who are charming and attractive, because this means they will
get away with this behaviour more easily. They may appear humble and
very likable in public and may choose a less socially adept partner as
their 'foil'. Narcissists will usually get angry or sulk (and feel
very embarrassed) if they are seen to be wrong or have made a mistake,
and like a child they might throw tantrums or rages and 'rewrite
history' instead of admitting their misdeeds.
The double life
Narcissists are always looking for attention. They are flirts and have
constant crushes and real or fantasy affairs, they are very
susceptible to becoming addicted to pornography and can be cyber-paths
who have online affairs with numerous people who they manipulate and
lie to. Narcissists often lead a 'double life'.
When narcissism has a hold of someone, they will feel VERY lonely and
desperate for the affection of a 'perfect' person who will be
sympathetic and adore them. Sadly this 'perfect' person is actually an
illusion in the narcissist's mind, a tormenting fantasy that will make
their life miserable and make them very hard on the people who they
live with.
Steve and I beat the odds and overcame these problems in our marriage
and hope that we can help you do the same. We host an online radio
show called "The Love Safety Net" on Global talk radio with thousands
of subscribers worldwide and have recieved countless testimonials from
our readers. The advice that we offer in dealing with this disorder
will also help anyone wanting to learn better life and relationship
skills. Immaturity is rife in our community and is at the heart of
this issue. We offer valuable and solid steps to help individuals and
families to grow up and become more confident, happier and more
secure.
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Serulah kepada jalan Tuhanmu dengan hikmah dan pelajaran yang baik
dan bantahlah mereka dengan cara yang lebih baik. -Qs. 16 an-Nahl :125
Berilah mereka pelajaran, dan katakanlah kepada mereka perkataan yang berbekas pada jiwa mereka. -Qs. 4 an-Nisa' : 63
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